Monday, June 2, 2008

Monday, 6-2-08

Well, this "post" is actually gonna be a diary entry - as I have nothing else going on to talk about.

Musings & random recurring thoughts:

I am F A T. I need to re-start my 150 carb diet & my walking. Reading through my old entries, it appears to have helped my mood as well as my middle.

I HATE exercise, makes you sweat. Blah. It's hot now in Florida. I'd rather lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling for hours.

I know - "Go out early...." Still don't WANT to. I have had little motivation for anything since last year around July.

The current regime of meds tempers my eating. Most days I have a snack & the evening meal with the Hub's. Lots to drink. Who's gonna care if I have some peanut butter? It won't hurt THAT much. I'll be better tomorrow.

I need to go thru my drawers and the closet. So much I don't wear, so much I can't wear. I used to wear a size 14. Now I'm at least an 18. I hate myself.

I am soooo ugly when I look in the mirror - how can HonBun not see it?? He thinks I'm beautiful. He's been trying to convince me of it since forever. My boobs are WAAY too big for my height. My teeth are discolored form a childhood medication and they're crooked. I sweat like a man, even when i do nothing. I have little cushioning in the rear end. things only money can fix. Which we don't have.

The house is filthy, by MY standards. I just can't get my act together. The bathrooms are in desperate need. Oh, I DO clean the toilet and occasionally sweep the main bath, but MY bath - is awful! I HATE shower doors! ARGH!!!

The kitchen floor needs scrubbing, it's beyond mopping alone. I can't get the bug juice stains outta the counter top! ARGH!! Tea & raspberry rings. The fridge is dirty, again - bug juice stains on the shelving. The whole thing needs a good sorting to toss expired stuff.

There is a coat of dust everywhere! The ceiling fans need dusting - the kitchen one needs scrubbing! The whole house carpet needs cleaning. The foam cushion around the doors to the outside need to be redone.

I need to get rid of more stamping stuff. Yep - even that has gone sour on me. No ambition to create unless it's at Wednesday night class. I am still President of the club and coordinate all the meetings & announcements. I gotta keep myself "IN" something, or I'll retreat completely!

I also volunteer for a pet rescue group here & go twice a week to tidy up & pay attention to the kitties needing homes. They are usually so sweet. I joined this on purpose, to increase my out of the house time.

I am going from working Saturday's at the volunteer library to being on the substitution list. My health has been interfering with my participation. I have had to stay home several times in the past few months.

I try to read. My concentration is short, so by the time I finish the paper - I can't remember what I've read! It's agri-DAMN-vating! Can't focus on the small print in books, either. It's NOT my eyes.

My depression is medicated, but not controlled. I still feel like shit emotionally. Had to quit my therapy sessions as we can't afford it. Just when I was making progress, too. sigh.... I brood over this for hours a day, wondering - WHY?? So many drugs. None seem to work.

HonBun said he read an MSN article that stated scientifically speaking, anti-depressants work about as well as placebo on depression.
Oh, freaking great! There's actually a slim chance the drugs will work for you, it happens - like a miracle. Most of us don't get the results promised. Figures.

My steroids are the biggest culprit, besides my overall health status, as a cause of the depression. The side effects of each of my medications takes it's toll on me.


I'm not happy personally or with the current state of my marriage. I keep HonBun at bay. I have built walls to protect my guilt and bitterness. I want to let him in, but can't find the method to open up. This in itself causes me frustration and guilt.

Additionally, I can't physically satisfy my husband in sex either. Partly due to my illnesses and partly due to the medications I take for them. I am less than a whole woman.

It's not that I don't WANT to. I do, but again - the motivation creeps in and the issue of - well, I don't get anything out of it usually. It's a bit painful. Again the drugs and my aging health issues stand in the way of enjoyment.

HonBun doesn't want to make love to a grumpy can't-wait-to-get-it-OVER-WITH unsatisfied woman!

Maybe I don't try hard enough, or at all. Maybe I've just given up. Besides - he has non-physical relationships with others that are far more satisfying than ours. He doesn't need me. I just wash his socks and warm up dinner.

I KNOW!! Snap out of it! Drowning in pity for myself. Put together a plan and manage to stick with it. Don't make it too grandious or you'll quit too soon.

Not that easy. The motivation-less-ness appears again. It's like a pool of warm, cozy pit of tar. You WANT to move, 'cause you know it's a bad place, but WHY?? It's warm & comfy - maybe tomorrow, there's always a tomorrow. Who's gonna really notice if I don't?? Does anyone really care?

Why is it Hon & I have always been on the short end of the money equation?? How does the current morons in our government expect us to live on what we are making??? Prices are rising everyday, especially gas. Which in turn increases everything else's cost. He's not had a raise in 5 or 6 years!!! The minor cost of living increase I get from Social Security Disability each year is laughable! Not enough to buy one of my medications for a month. Big fat hairy deal!

Why is it that those that we elect to serve our interests always do the things that aren't beneficial for us?? What happens between campaigning and election?? It rots! Fire them all!! Our choices for the next President really SUCK! None of them are in touch with what is really going on in our country. We're damned generous to other countries in need, but we ignore the problem at home. Oh, no.....there's no poverty, homelessness or massive onslaught of elderly people in need in America! Tsk! Tsk on you for thinking so. We're the home of the free and the land of the brave.

We are barely making it through each month. My lousy little bit from SSD helps, but there's no way we'll ever get even - never mind ahead. The future looks very bleak to me. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing. it's gets worse by the month it seems. Things that need to be done, go undone. Some are important, but there's just no room for it.

I worry now about my Dad. Does he have enough for himself? He lives simply and has great insurance, but SHE can be demanding and selfish. What will happen if he gets very ill?? She is in poor health and wouldn't be able to handle it alone. We don't have the money or room for both of them at our house.

I am so in love with our little Vincent. I love all my babies, but this newest addition does something to my heart the other 2 can't. He connects with me. They all love us, but Vin loves more freely.

Vegetarian foods are SOOOO boring. Every try I make at up-ing the flavor bothers HonBun's stomach. I don't HAVE to eat them with HonBun - but it doesn't make sense to make 2 dinners every night. God - I would kill for meat sauce on my pasta - or a meatball!

My greatest fairy tale dream was bashed to smithereens by just this factor. Money issues and very poor planning on their part. Now I sit here in a house I don't feel for anymore. It's lost the home feel to it, because where we were going was so much more like home. The love was there. Now we're stuck here, far away from the ones that we love - the ones that need us.

I'm tired now. I'm gonna rest my brain for a bit before HonBun comes home from work.
I'll write more at another time.

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